"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries"
A single man, upfront, honest, free, and this blog is a single mans 'say what you think' session. It is entirely self-reflective, self loathing and in all honesty not a good or easy read (I will warn you in advance), but I feel that this single man has not been honest with himself in recent times. He has not really told anyone how he truly feel. He has told snippets to people here and there, and they will reflect on some of what is said with understanding, but most will read this and think very little of both him and the content. But sometimes as a writer the honest truth is something that no one wants to read, but there is something deep inside you which compels you to write for the sake of writing and say the honest truth because if you cant then we simply live a lie through omission.
In (extreme) short this single mans life is characterised by the following: (1) boredom, (2) liberalism, (3) a lack of confidence (4) being out of love, (5) fat and out of shape and (6) closed.
(1) + (2) The Boredom and Liberalism factors (yawn ZzZzZz)
My life does very little to inspire me and I have wanted something more for a while now. This easter I spent half of it at a hotel earning enough money to eat at university this term and the other half working on my life line of a dissertation (which I shall come back to later). This easter I was something that I have never been, for one I dabbled in smoking, I did it when I got drunk and I had to be drunk. I did it mainly for its cathartic effect and I admit it relaxed me. I also started two fights in two successive weeks. Why is a question I have continually asked, well partly I believe because I was clearly bored and so so sadly I felt that my night would be more interesting if it did, and partly because after being out in cambridge for over 5 years I am perfectly aware of the consequences of starting a fight in cambridge as 9 times out of 10 a fight never happens. A middle class boy placing a safe bet to get a kick out of nothing. Purely and simply, sad. Other things in my mind have shifted, and boundaries past Mat would quite simply find disgusting. I have considered drugs, deeply. I am yet to do any form of, but I will openly admit it is something that I consider and would try. They say as you get older you get wiser; whether thats true I have no idea yet. I look back at myself say 5 years ago and I see someone who was afraid, someone that tried to control all the variables in his life. He was able to successfully control the most blindly obvious and overt variables, drinking, smoking, drugs. However the truth is he couldn't. What he did was out of fear and ignorance. I was happy in my ingorance. I do not pledge that I am a better person for it now; if anything quite the contrary. I know that my view is more liberal, more open to ideas and something I really used to struggle with, more accepting. Some of the most brightest, interesting, intelligent, down to earth people I know take drugs, they take them for a variety of reasons, some good, some bad. One of my best friends started to take drugs heavily and the sad thing is that he felt my judgement on him was so severe that he didnt even tell me he was taking them. It pushed us apart, regardless of everything else, it pushed us apart. I find that sad and an eye opener to the truth that it matters not of our actions. Our actions are something small within something so much more complex and intricate.
Boredom also lies within my routine. I have little in the way of formal contact time at university. I have two modules yet to complete as part of my MSc and my 20,000 word thesis. My thesis, in my view, will happen regardless, I enjoy the work that much I consider it as happening, even if for the sake of happening. I now flirt with the prospect of exam period, I know that many of my friends, especially ones who I feel close to are now in a time of complete crunch. Time to make something of yourself and I know the feeling, I was you last year. Exam period for me is the worst time of the year, it drags and drags me down to the depths of insanity. I cant stand it, the one thing that I like about it is the purity of doing the same thing day in and day out, the purity is the one thing I like about it. I sit at a desk all day feeling fat and bored and thinking about the same thing over and over again until it gets (or does not get) into my thick skull. I do not have a gift for memory or natural intelligence and thus repetition or interest are my two power plays for learning parrot fashion what the lecturer who is marking my paper wants to here. Yes, its jumping through hoops in my mind, one giant and complex game.
(3) The confidence factor (confidence is a preference to the habitual boy...)
This an interesting one for me and something I have yet to fully articulate even to myself in my head, so ill just go along with it and do my best. I severely lack confidence at the moment, I find it worrying. I find myself stuttering when I talk to people, I cant say what I think in my head and even if I think it in my head, I question whether or not to say it and if I decide to say it I find the moment has gone. I find it astounding. Confidence is something I thought I always had and perhaps I should accept that certainly when I was younger a small proportion of that was arrogance. I dont know why, but as I have grown up, certainly over the past 5 years, I have genuinely become less confident and less extrovert. I look down at the front when someone looks at me, particular if its a girl that I find attractive. At the moment I question every action I take, every text I send to people, every word I usually write. I have been conducting interviews with a number of people for my dissertation and I found myself out of my depth even interviewing people. I cannot articulate myself in the way I would like to. I see these people throughout the sporting world, throughout my social circle, throughout loughborough. In particular the academics that lecture me day in and day out and I admire them. They stand up for nearly two hours and rant about a particular subject so successfully, with such clarity and passion. I cant help but feel a sense of admiration along with a sense of fear and anxiety. The matter of truth is that I will, in all likely hood pursue that career as an academic, and in so many ways I can see myself doing it, I would enjoy so so much about it. But the thought of me standing up and talking in such a manner to successfully transfer the knowledge so easily over two hours repeitively is something I will truly find testing, challenging and of great hardship. My confidence is not there you see, I question whether I am cut out for that career. Its what I want to do. Many question whether it is the right choice, my hesitation is not through desire to do anything else, but questioning of my own ability to be a good academic, a good lecturer. Inability is the greatest factor here not inhibition. As a teen I wrote often about confidence, I was fascinated by it and in some respects I still am. It is an amazing and intrguing thing confidence. The power and influence it can have, how false it can often be etc I find amazing. But I really feel at the moment my esteem and confidence have hit somewhat of a meltdown and recession like dip with the ego-nomic recovery hopefully in place.
(4) out of love. 'absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder' -bastard who ever wrote that
I wanted to start this section about something I love as opposed to what I dont love. In an extremely, extremely sad way I really dont know what I would have done this year if I didn't have my dissertation this year. I love it and it keeps me occupied. The ironic thing about the whole thing is that I type here and now sitting on my bed at a hidiously late hour with a shoe box on the floor next to my bed consisting of every document and data I have collected for my project and it feels like my life. The irony sets in when I realise that slightly further under my bed is another box containing a my life also...I miss her, I really do and it has taken me a longer time to even contemplate opening that box. I assume she will not read this, few do and as such it matters not. She, certainly right now I feel like she is a woman I could not ever let go. I cannot think of anything more I suck at than women. They are entirely infatuating, intoxicating and intriguing, well the ones I have fell in love with anyhow. In the respect of love I am on a journey of entirely unchartered territory and boy dont I feel im splashing and thrashing around in the deep end. I am single. I have been for the 5 month this month. For those who know me, I will say no more, for those who don't such a feet is quite frankly shocking behaviour. I feel it is entirely tesitment to the effect miss dougal had/has on my life and tesitment to perhaps mr dowling finally learning that love is not something you play with, certainly not quickly. It took my bloody long enough. The people I have dated in my past have been phenomenal. Amazing people, all of them. Unquestionably. Circumstance plays a cruel part in setting the scene for my often epic novel episodes of love. My first real love has now turned the tables and is seriously dating. Something which shouldn't but truthfully unnerves me. Lets me clear about this, she deserves an amazing guy; after all she is an amazing woman, but she is in a much better place than I am; and that is the honest truth. My last girlfriend plays a very different card. She is in a completely different world focused on what means more to her than anything in the world right now, her work. Work is her driving force and I cnat help but find myself admiring her for it. I always have. Her finals along with a useful catalyst from myself in december put her out a relatioship and into the library, had led to an annoying and saddening truth that really to her certainly at this given point in time, I matter very little. I hard pill to swallow I guess. I was right about the dissapearing act so far and what scares me is that by the end of june, our paths stay as they are now, hurtling in opposite directions.... I was having a rather beautiful, frank and honest conversation with an old friend in London the other day, a level of honesty I have massively struggled to reach. I guess the factors of determination, a nice day, nothing to lose and half a bottle of rose changed that if only for a while. Our conversation took many tangents one of which discussed the blindingly apparent truth about relationships the older you get. The older you get I find the shorter your tether becomes. Whereas once diplomacy and time led to people arguing, disagreeing, maybe splitting up only to mend it over a weekend of entrenched discussions and treaty signing. This typically characterised my adolescence. As I got older, after people have felt pain and behaviour had been reinforced that pain, well...hurts. The smallest of disputes, situations which despite rhetoric would mend itself as nothing more than a phase, both parties end up with wounds that no longer heel and cuts that we no longer accept. We walk away so much quicker under the realisation that I has not worked, it will not work. Often pretentiously so. To put it bluntly we dont take shit anymore. We just tell the next person to jog on knowing that we are on miles 3 of 26 and that we are undoubtedly going to be passed by the next runner. Funny that really...a sad truism and lesson learnt I feel. I feel I have done exactly that, perhaps wrongly. I think one of the biggest lessons I have learnt, apart from to appreciate the small things in life, is to accept the decisions you make in life. I think I knew that one from the start, what I never envisaged is that in fact the decisions that I make, might be wrong. The lesson is thus you have to accept the decisions you make in life, especially the wrong ones. An important distinction. As for now I have exactly 103 days (just under 15 weeks) not that in counting at all, until Canada. I have talked to a few pepole about being out of love of which the most frequent response is often in reference to Canada. Typically there or there abouts 'oh your going to Canada soon'. Now, I will not doubt that is true. It is after all a fact I am leaving for a very very long and extensive time to a place far, far away. But what people often cannot see is that I am not in Canada now. May be I suck at the long term perspective, to be honest I always have. But right now, I have nothing apart from memories and future possibilities. A lonely place. A place I am learning to occupy...slowly. I accept that nothing is possible between now and august, but I have many I think I would like to do and say before I go; whether that materialises I am yet to conclude. A series of events recently, many of which actually not my own, but close people around me have made me realise the significance of a phrase that hangs up on my wall to this day and it will be something I carry all the way to the alter when I marry. Hopefully one day I will. "That one girl for you is getting there as fast as she can", the problem is you have absolutely no idea who, when and from what direction. What if it was someone you already met? strange thought. One thing is for sure is that I hope to prove my mother wrong. When I first told her about Canada, I expected her to be happy, instead she burst into tears and her exact first response is something I shall never forget in my life, it truly was one of those moments that imprints on your DNA. She said 'your going to find a canadian bird, marry her and never come back aren't you?'. No mother I wont. I'm not going to elope to Las Vegas on a weekend. I can promise you that. As for the canadian robin, well I hope so... The most profound thing I can say about how I feel right now is that I am learning something truly remarkable, and learning it extremely slowly. That is the ability to "live to love and not to love to live". Its an amazing truism in my life at the moment and something I accept I have found so so hard, even where most people find it a given and incredulously easy to apply in their lives. I admit I find it very awkward and hard, but as I said, I am learning, very slowly...
(5) fat and out of shape 'mcfatty indeed'
Yes, this is something I need to get out of my system. I accept the hypocracy in this section, in that usually a personal pet hate of mine is that I hate people who engross themselves and are obsessed with weight, particularly when they have none. But there is no doubt that I am bigger physically than I have ever been in my life. Simple. I do not mind the bulk out, in fact I think it does me better to be a little more filled out, but I feel fat and heavy. I have been frequenting the gym with mainly resistive work. In addition I am part of a strength training study here at Loughborough designed to test to types of protein supplements on the effect of bicep brachii growth and strength over a 9 week training period 3 times a week. Essentially working out on your arms with supplements. we are in week 5 (ish) and my arms genuinely are stronger and feel so so much bigger than ever before. Besides my arms the rest of my body feels sluggish. I feel tired all the time, the tiredness is probably a combination of bad sleeping patterns and poor dietry means. It worries me somewhat that I am tired so much, I regularly enjoy a visit to the sofa for a cheeky 1 hour nap, to the extent my housemates mock me for it. I worry that it could be something more serious that irregularity and dietary. It is now post-basketball season and I really want to start hitting the tarmac and get running in the off season. Its something I have grown to love and massively appreciate as a pursuit. I just need to get on with it.
(6) Closed & Conclusions...
So there you have it, pure, pure honesty. To be honest these are things I have wanted or tried (and often failed) to express in general and I felt this was one of the only ways I could say what I should say (sad really huh?), such is life sometimes. I did not intent is as self-loathing although many, I am sure will read it as such, but more of 'so whats going on in his mind right now?'. My blogs often consist of ideals and optimism, this was somewhat of a contrast accepted. But there is always two sides to every coin. Being able to express yourself, I think is something we struggle with massively as people and we should do our upmost to pursue such endeavours. I find that writing this is as much for the reader and self-reflection, it defrags my mind into bitesize and manageable chunks. For now I continue to ride this wave. I do have another blog in progress at the moment, a more carefully aryiculate piece rather than a giant rant. I am a single man as the title suggests and I write with that humility in mind
x9
"Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna" (Garfield, 2004)
