Canadian fixation: 'T' minus 2 days

Ok. I cant sleep. My brain is in overdrive. My world is in overdrive. I feel nervous. I feel confused. I feel bloody excited. I just feel emotional and oddly I bloody love it. Canada is now two days away. Come tuesday morning, my life entirely changes. I am off on what can only be described as a journey of a life time. For me it cant really come quicker enough, I really cant wait, but at the same time I feel I have so much to do with not enough time to do it all. Funnily enough and I guess not surprisingly Canada is literally constantly on my mind. I can think of nothing else. If I think of something else, it is usually in relation to Canada in some way. This is all new, its crazy. This is not the kind of shit my family do. Saying that, I cant help, deep down that this is something dad would of approved of. Moving across the pond is in my blood in that respect. Its just going to be life changing. A new world, new people and I really just have the absolute mentality of 'fuck it', lets do it all, lets take on the world, lets go with nothing and no one and make something or yourself. But just something, something wicked...something pure...and something that just ticks everything for me and makes me truly happy. I had a small, yet elite, gathering of mates yesterday, they were all amazing. I genuinely wish the night didnt have to end. I've had some amazing texts, amazing facebook posts and some amazing cards that I have massively appreciated and really touched me. It showed me two things. Firstly the obvious apparency that those whom I associate with are and forever will be, just awesome. Secondly that these awesome people are inevitably going to be missed deeply and unimaginably so. A good friend of mine recently said to me that 'mat you don't have to worry about us (your friends), the good friends will be the ones that are still there for you when you get back'. This sentiment stuck in my mind as being entirely true. I genuinely feel that. I know these are the boys who will always and forever be there for me and vice versa. Thank you guys. Your colours were truly shown and you definitively represented. I will miss you all so so much, but I shall always be on the email of a call or the end of a letter. You al have my cards- use it.

I have so much to do! I must crack on. I bid you a fair evening and thanks again.

My life is remarkable. Thanks to you.

Mat

Our Ships; Our Islands

OK, I cant sleep, so I thought I would blog nostalgically and share an old extract from my very first journal. It is written by past matty, I wrote this when I was 17. Its random and free written. I like some of the ideas within it. Some of it even I find incomprehendable and have no idea why I wrote bits or what they mean. I assume I wrote it in reference to continuing education and probably watched "about a boy" that night or something. But its what i like about journals. I think its what they are all about, just writing whatever comes into your head.

Thought it was very apt given my up and coming (all too soon) move to canada in two weeks today! So without any further a due:

Our Ships; Our Islands

"Our lives are driven by the opportunities we take. The paths we choose to follow through with our own ambitions and self-belief. We really must believe. Believe in our self, and our actions through ourselves. Have the confidence to follow our hearts for a change. Our heads are governed and rules by our logic and organised through our cognition. We rarely act on impulse...why? Perhaps through an inherent fear of failure, fear of being somewhere you initial didnt't intend to be; this place that you could never imagine. Why cant you imagine this place when this dream is idealic but achieveble. Well...if the truth be told it is because you haven't seen it. It is in effect just an idea, not yet a physical landscape. Yet, we conceptually believe it is the landscape we have in our heads, so why don't we try more? Why are we so scared to fail? Is it because we will find it impossible or essentially too hard to escape from? It is exactly that attitude one must question. It is that conjuction with timing. You cannot jump off the ship too early, you must leave port and set sail and travel to be taken to the islands of opportunity. They only exist as a concept, but still we phsyically know them as the horizon. Bring me that horizon. The fine line between what is real and what could be possible. This ship contains all those with the will to see new lands, those ambitious enough to float on wood for a while. These select profile pf individuals have the motivation to take the boat ride, but the jump off is the skill and the sort after ability. When and how does one jump? What island is better than the other? Do you compare by appearance? If you wait too long the ship simply turns aound and goes back home. Is that a mature approach to take? Of course to jump off this ship could well mean death by drowing. The island is hard to reach, depending on the current, the weather, your personal fitness and motivation all contribute to the success of reaching that island. There are those who just go for the ride and the experience of sailing, perhaps to then sail their own ship. Man is an island. Well, man is an island chaser more accurately. We all want our paradise islands complete with our dreams on top. Those islands constitute every desire, want or need of a given person. It stands for everything you literally stand for. Your island is waiting and forever changing. It changes even after attainment. Is is the ship which I stand and I still want. I am educating myself on board, visiting far lands, watching out for my island and my horizon. I know it is there, somewhere beyond that horizon. Still I cannot see it, but I know it is there. For me I still sail and I will continue to do so until my heart tells me... now. NOW! DO IT NOW... JUMP!"

x9

a short reflection...

"It is easy to be the person you have always been, for it requires no change, no self-reflection, and no growth. It may appear that changing yourself requires giving up something. In reality, there is no need to give up anything- you must simply add to what has been" Anon

- I am sick of the norm of mediocrity...

Costa moments (part #2)

"Friendship is for life. It involves an exercise of choice not compulsion. This is what makes it the purest of all relationships. However, you must choose your friends carefully. And cherish and nurture the friendship for a lifetime. It is not difficult to find friends. The tough part is to honor the friendship" -Anon


Most recently I have been thinking a lot about friendship. This is a continuation of my last blog. if you consider the analogy of my last blog akin to a 'cover letter' into my feelings of friendship this blog as somewhat of a 'footnote' to my feelings on friendship. Something that provides a little more clarity, intrigue and in all honesty a dash of cynicism.
My true friends inspire me, they comfort me and they are most precious to me. I have always said, and I am sure many of you have heard me say this, that friends should add to your life. What I mean by that is that a good friend will, in some way shape or form, provide you something you don't have. This does not imply you take from friends, far from it. Just as you gain something from them, you should try your up most to give as much as possible to them, far more so than you receive. For me friendship is not false, it is as honest, patient and kind as love itself. For that reason I keep a small, but elite, group of very close friends who mean the most to me. I am not the type to keep up pretenses or pretend to keep up with the jones's (mr or mrs). I am who I am and I expect the same honesty back. To me the best friends are those who tell you straight, even when what they tell you is not what you want to here. In fact, my best friends are those who do this best. They tell me the cold, honest and bitter truth even if at the time I dont want to here it and I love them more it, because that
is there opinion, it is the truth and a true friend tells you entirely straight (like pear cider, made from 100% pear(s)!) - if you get that reference, you are one of them.

I find that all far too often people are friends with people who do quite the opposite. They simply suck the soul out of you, often for selfless and self-defensively through often irrational motives normally due to their own insecurities, obscurities and absurdities. They bring you down, the suck like a leech every feeling of good-will, compassion and empathy leaving with either angry, uncompassionate, irrational and frustrated. I never do understand why people still remain friends with people like that. Oten because 'they have history' and go way back or because you almost feel sorry for the inidvidual and feel a sense of responsibility to try help them. If friendship drag you down, them they aren't friends. Because that is not what friends do. OK, they occassionally lean on you, but everyone needs a little support every now and then. We are all human, some more than others perhaps. I have a really diverse and often conflicting friendship 'circle'. [I love the usage of friendship 'circle' implies a continue loop or fence] Reminds me of a great quote I was told recently about friends. "one should not circle themselves with a fence, but rather friends". nice isn't it? Implies that friends are the very insultation of you to the world, they are the boundary, your communication, your connection with the real world. Nice analogy.

Anyways [coming back from the circle tangent], diversity....my friends are diverse and often to conflict. I dont mind that. In fact I applaud that to some degree. My friends all add to my life in their own, special, unique and gifted way (and trust me they are extremely unique and gifted- some more 'special' than others ;) :p ) . Some are into music, some into sport. Some into numbers some into narratives and so on and so forth.

I have no concept of time with friends. Albeit some of my closest friends have known me the longest and thus know me very well. Saying that, I have some close friends in my life that have known me in my entirety for a relatively microscopic period of time. I have always been intrigued by the link between time and influence, in that time, although does somewhat induce inlfuence, it is not casual. Some friends I have 'acquired' (for want of a horrific use of a word) have been so so influential on my life and interestingly they are people who I never originally thought they would. How wrong I was and how amazing that is. I also find that with find you realy and truly realise who your friends are. You realise of those who are selfless and selfish in their own right. Those who give more than they receive and those who change their face like the wind changes direction. I accept as much as the next person that friends fault. They occassionally fail as we all do. Its what makes us human after all. I accept that. What I don't accept is living lies. Living a fallacy, one after another. I am not angry, it is not in my nature. I read recently whilst walking through the city of london a quote which I shall leave you with. A quote that rather sums up my thoughts on my life at the moment and in particular this blog


"There is nothing in the world to be feared; but only understood" Marie Curie

To whom it may concern, from this I hope that you and I better understand the value of (our) friendship and from it the true value of those around us which of we should consider and accept as unfortunately imperfect, but most precious. We all have choice; so until next time...

Costa moments

To whom I am proud to call a friend,

Thank for for our coffee catch-up at costa today. I just wanted to say that you keep me sain during my times of insanity. You accept my flaws, my imperfections even went I do not. You know the world is your oyster and go for it- and so you should. You should follow your ideas, they are brilliant. They are yours and I will be there for you every single step of the great journey that we call our life. To you who when I cry you are always there. Not by duty, but by compassion. You pick me up when I am down: and down I shall undoubtedly go...we all go at some point. I know you will always be there even if I am not around. Physical distance is nothing to compared to mental closeness. You make me smile with pure articulated genius. You are genuine and honest; a rarity amongst these parts. You follow your ideas because you know that they are important.You are passionate. I admire, love and appreciate for everything you do. I dont think I ever could tell you enough. You are your own and you know it. You live for it. You live in your own world content in the knowledge at any point you can step into mine. You call me from time to time, just to say hi, just to hear a friendly voice. You think of me when I wish to be thought of. What is important in my life is inherently important in yours. We talk of each other with interest, respect and happiness. We lean on each other, propping each other. We have 'coffee' by day, a pint by night. We share are thoughts, our feelings and our worlds. We stroll the streets without purpose, but with companionship. We sit and watch the world go by because somehow it is better to share. I dont know what I would do without you. You have been my rock. My consciousness. You say what I need to hear without a whisper. I am so glad you are in my life. You have quite simply changed it for the better.

Do you fancy coffee next week?

Upmost & Kindest Regards,

Mathew Dowling

Garfield

"Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna" (Garfield, 2004)

Ah yes, the great academic that is Dr. Garfield (phd in lasagna) of which I shall come back to shortly. Its been a fair while since I last blogged, purely down to the fact that my life recently has been hectic, fluctuating, at times stressful. I have been busy busy busy in both work and play. Since my last blog I have revised for and sat my final series of exams at Loughborough. I assumed it would be my last ever, but it turns out that my adventures to alberta rather inevitably result in yet more examinations this december. mmmmmmmmeeeeehhhh! Oh well, im over it. So now I have the summer ahead with the goal to break-even with the banks and complete a 20,000 word dissertation...I wouldnt have life any other way....I mean that in an 'its busy' sense, because if I could have it any other way I would have achieved my desired outcome by then :P I wanted to keep this one short and simple today, primarily to keep in touch with the common 'blogger' due to my absence, and partly because I appreciate my blogs at times can be long and tedious essays; of which requires the upmost self-discipline and appreciation for my incessant ramblings. I wanted to share with you a feeling which I can only best describe as a 'novelty' in my life, something which I rarely share when it happens, and usually prefer to point out the obscurity and complexity of life.

I wanted to share with you a feeling of contentedness.

Its a feeling that I rarely express or feel, in fact I will even go as far to say that, and those particularly close to me will entirely appreciate this, is that I am not an easily content man. Things hardly ever are quite enough for me at times. I do not mean content in the fact that I am happy with where I am at and I dont what to move. Quite the contrary. Nothing cataclysmic or revolutionary has happened, but this feeling is more precisely a series of incremental and slow evolutions. I feel that my life is forever changing and progressing. Relationships, my studies, my family life, my friends etc etc. But right now I feel in all departments, everything is just pointing in the right direction and everything for me is going the way I want it, and I take a lot from that, and feel its nice to take time out to appreciate that. I have so SO much to do in every single department of my existence, but I am content in the fact that I know they will go the way I want them. I can sit here and type with an understanding that life around me feels in a perfect equilibrium and I feel so comforted about it. I feel in control. I feel great. Life is great, and its not about the big things, but I have come to realise that its also not just about the small things either. Its about a balance of things. Balancing it on that tiny tightrope of happiness and at that point we can just sit back and go 'yeeeeaaaaaaaa' [peaches]. I have got great friends, great prospects, great family and maybe canada changes your perspective on what you have. But I have something amazing right now and I love it. I love what I do, I love the people I have recently met, I just love life.... I really do. This is of those times where you smile at the word and it smiles straight back at you. I love my world and everyone in it; and for that I cant think of anything else more inspiring. Its just a nice thought that, even if you feel that you aren't quite where you want to be in the grand scheme of things, just to reflect on the fact that actually, you are going the right direction, its just that you are not there yet. Sit back and enjoy life. Somehow I think that garfield just got it right. It is a rather bizarre and odd metaphor but it is genuinely the best way I can describe how good life is.... through lasagna. Its the combination of good meat, these things that really give your life substance (friends, family, your work) and the layers and layers of pasta which give you the energy to make things happen, just makes something so so tasty right now!...and as for lasagna and life as a whole, I feel hungry...

x9

Tennis balls

"Time is precious, you should spend time with whom you want, you're off to Canada for four years in 87 days" Clare Rogers

How important are people to you? How many do you value those around you? How do you know? How does it change? We all go about are lives rather diligently with routine and regularity, over and over again. We walk down the same path that we forget where we set off from and moreover where we were heading in the first place. This quote was teh instigation of this blog and another reminder of a general and slow realisation I have had through a series of events including: my dad's death, moving to the barn, university life, challenges like cycling through france and running marathons in scotland, relatonships and friendships moving into and out of my life, some through choice others through circumstance, old faces, new faces, with all the above blended with a splash of my impending voyage to the far distant shores of Canada I find the beverage somewhat bittersweet.

I have realised how important people are and how much I value them. My move to university and the saga of my father has made me realise how amazing my family are. How much I used to take them for granted. Although it pains me to admit it at times my family are very influential on me. My mother is just the most phenomenal women and I love her deeply. She is my rock. My brother is my alter-ego, my go to guy, my wingman (in a more platonic sense, rather than pulling before you ask) and I know that he will always be there and look out for me. Even my aunties and uncles are key figures in my life. My uncles in particular have always acted as somewhat of a father figures to me. I admire them greatly for their trades, their intelligence and ability to reason with me unlike any other. Although at times I may not agree with them, they have always been the most level headed of individuals and never shy of a thought embossed in wisdom far beyond my years, and forever shall be.

My friends far too often amaze me. I have been fortunate enough to live with a group of people I am truly close to and be surrounded by intriguing people far better than myself. They know my world more than I know it myself and they far too often remind me of that fact. I don't tell them enough how much I appreciate them, so now is better than anytime to do so. I have friends in my life that have been through the agess. Friends I have known since I can remember. I have kept some friends from my earliest of adolescence, it is those that I know get where I am coming from (quite literally). It is these friendships that have been through the wars and out again. They have been battered and bruised over time and yet still remain impeccable. They are the most amazing friendships that I just cannot say how much they make me feel. My Cams boys (and girls) are wicked (they always have been and always will be) and I genuinely feel emotional at times about what they mean to me. Somethings are rarely spoke because they simply are too hard to explain. I simply leave you with the most appropriate comment I can articulate.....yyyyyyyyyyeeeeaaaaaaaaahh peaches.

I also appreciate a number of shortcomings I have maintaining my friendships. I appreciate I suck at texting back (often I dont) and I assure you its not because of value but rather a bad habit persistence of reading my phone and then being distracted by something shortly followed by a temporary episode of amnesia. I also dont call enough, i dont call those who are important to me merely for the sake of calling them to see how their day was. When I was younger, about 16 years old, I thought of an analogy to describe friendships and the maintenance of them. It was inspired by a rather long walk home from cambridge to where I lived at the time in histon. This was a round trip of nearly 2 hours. During which I somehow managed to acquire a tennis ball and played with it all the way home. The ball plus a continually thinking mind got me inspired and I thought about this idea. I find friendship maintenance is rather akin to you sitting in the centre of a large room surrounded by a series of tennis balls all rolling away from you. Hundreds of them. These tennis balls (or any balls for that matter) roll away from you. The rate at which they roll away from you depends on your strength of friendship and the environment and the circumstance of which you interact with the friend. If you for example lived next door and saw the friend everyday your interactions would be frequent and thus the tennis ball would be rolling at a slow pace. Conversely should your friendship be someone you once met say on holiday and they live in another country; the tennis ball rolls away a lot quicker, after all you know litle about one another and only interacted on a singular event basis. You in the fray of all this are constantly acting and interacting with your friends to either pull them back right next to you for them to start their journey once again or you are influencing them in terms of their pace of roll. Indeed I have come to realise over time some balls simply get too far out of your reach and are impossible to grab once again unless you get up and fetch it. Equally some roll at such a slow pace you rarely need to rekindle it. There are some that are behind you back, some that you miss that they even rolled away from you in the first place. To me this game and a game it is indeed, is a question of time and influence...that was my analogy anyway, I thought it was a rather apt depiction of friendships, we all play this game and we all have our preferences, techniques and consequences. The balls that say and the balls that go dictate our friendship circles and influence our lives to create a game very different from the one we started....

To me people are not aware of how amazing those around them are or can be. If you experience what its like to lose someone really close to you (and I wish it apon no one) then you know what I mean by appreciating someone more. When someone dies you realise a) who is realy there for you when you need them and depend on and b) whom you really care about and want in your life at times of need. Things get totally realigned. Rather perversely you see the world for how is really should be to you...to everyone. You are care-free about those stupid things in life you get entirely engulfed and consumed in. The pull of life suddenly becomes weightless and you feel, you alive. You are very conscious of the fact you are alive and how much of a privilege that really is. My realisation that I will be leaving to Canada and my life will change is slowly becoming a reality and once again I am starting to appreciate that weightlessness and how much I value and admire those around me. Those friendships I have old or new, I just dont want to change and if they do i hope they can only change for the better because they amaze me and I love them all for their own unique and special contribution. Even the smallest of things, the little facebook comments here, the catch up coffees on a weekly basis, the catch up calls on a yearly basis, the catch-up whatever from 2 years ago! It matters not. Even those who I feel most emotively for, those of whom I have rather (unfortunately for them) subjected them to as much of me as possible, I cannot regard as anything but incredible. The Cp's, Ily's and Dougal's of this world are significant, significant! parts of my life and no matter how hard and how bittersweet it is, I want them in my life and central to it at that. Life is far to short. Cliche, but so SO fucking true. I hate those people who shut people out of their lives (and I have done it and still do and fully accept hypocracy in this), especially when they are close to you. They know you better than anyone else and I know it hurts. It undoubtedly hurts and the emotion and awkwardness can have powerful leverage but the fragility of life and the amazingness to genuinely share it with someone, anyone, to me is second to none. Undoubtedly. Unquestionably.

From this blog I hep you take away three themes ribboned throughout. Firstly the significance and value of those around you, your friends. Next time you are around them or you get a text, get a phone call, consider the fact that they are in your life and how amazing that is and they are. Believe you and me they are!

Secondly for those of whom you have lost contact with. I hope you find somewhere in you to perhaps rekinder something that once was, failing that appreciate what they did for you in your life and how that fact will never change. You may change and circumstance may change, time may go on, but at that time and place they were something to you and they influenced your life at that point in time. For those who unfortunately break up (...and some relationships are simply not meant to be) with people I ask you to consider something which feels counter-defensive and almost counter intuitive- stay friends. Realise through all the bullshit, hurt, anger and frustration that you only feel that way because you have strong feelings for each other and that you were emotnally attached to them. They meant something to you and you only kid yourself if you ingore the fact that they meant something to you. I for one feel strongly that those I have dated have been some of the most profound influences on my life and I am a product of that. I feel stronger and I only have them to thank. These are key tennis balls, ones that have potential to roll away fast, yet I find myself wanting and trying to pull them in the closest.

The third is that I feel that this a game I want to play more. I have found a new fondness for the game of tennis, so to speak. Those of whom I contact, even in its brevity, its because I care and because you are important to me. I know our lives are changing and I for one will be going through a significant change which will affect and involve the game we currently play. But I will do my upmost to play. You mean the world to me and even if you are not in it I will do my best to make your you are...

x9