Tennis balls

"Time is precious, you should spend time with whom you want, you're off to Canada for four years in 87 days" Clare Rogers

How important are people to you? How many do you value those around you? How do you know? How does it change? We all go about are lives rather diligently with routine and regularity, over and over again. We walk down the same path that we forget where we set off from and moreover where we were heading in the first place. This quote was teh instigation of this blog and another reminder of a general and slow realisation I have had through a series of events including: my dad's death, moving to the barn, university life, challenges like cycling through france and running marathons in scotland, relatonships and friendships moving into and out of my life, some through choice others through circumstance, old faces, new faces, with all the above blended with a splash of my impending voyage to the far distant shores of Canada I find the beverage somewhat bittersweet.

I have realised how important people are and how much I value them. My move to university and the saga of my father has made me realise how amazing my family are. How much I used to take them for granted. Although it pains me to admit it at times my family are very influential on me. My mother is just the most phenomenal women and I love her deeply. She is my rock. My brother is my alter-ego, my go to guy, my wingman (in a more platonic sense, rather than pulling before you ask) and I know that he will always be there and look out for me. Even my aunties and uncles are key figures in my life. My uncles in particular have always acted as somewhat of a father figures to me. I admire them greatly for their trades, their intelligence and ability to reason with me unlike any other. Although at times I may not agree with them, they have always been the most level headed of individuals and never shy of a thought embossed in wisdom far beyond my years, and forever shall be.

My friends far too often amaze me. I have been fortunate enough to live with a group of people I am truly close to and be surrounded by intriguing people far better than myself. They know my world more than I know it myself and they far too often remind me of that fact. I don't tell them enough how much I appreciate them, so now is better than anytime to do so. I have friends in my life that have been through the agess. Friends I have known since I can remember. I have kept some friends from my earliest of adolescence, it is those that I know get where I am coming from (quite literally). It is these friendships that have been through the wars and out again. They have been battered and bruised over time and yet still remain impeccable. They are the most amazing friendships that I just cannot say how much they make me feel. My Cams boys (and girls) are wicked (they always have been and always will be) and I genuinely feel emotional at times about what they mean to me. Somethings are rarely spoke because they simply are too hard to explain. I simply leave you with the most appropriate comment I can articulate.....yyyyyyyyyyeeeeaaaaaaaaahh peaches.

I also appreciate a number of shortcomings I have maintaining my friendships. I appreciate I suck at texting back (often I dont) and I assure you its not because of value but rather a bad habit persistence of reading my phone and then being distracted by something shortly followed by a temporary episode of amnesia. I also dont call enough, i dont call those who are important to me merely for the sake of calling them to see how their day was. When I was younger, about 16 years old, I thought of an analogy to describe friendships and the maintenance of them. It was inspired by a rather long walk home from cambridge to where I lived at the time in histon. This was a round trip of nearly 2 hours. During which I somehow managed to acquire a tennis ball and played with it all the way home. The ball plus a continually thinking mind got me inspired and I thought about this idea. I find friendship maintenance is rather akin to you sitting in the centre of a large room surrounded by a series of tennis balls all rolling away from you. Hundreds of them. These tennis balls (or any balls for that matter) roll away from you. The rate at which they roll away from you depends on your strength of friendship and the environment and the circumstance of which you interact with the friend. If you for example lived next door and saw the friend everyday your interactions would be frequent and thus the tennis ball would be rolling at a slow pace. Conversely should your friendship be someone you once met say on holiday and they live in another country; the tennis ball rolls away a lot quicker, after all you know litle about one another and only interacted on a singular event basis. You in the fray of all this are constantly acting and interacting with your friends to either pull them back right next to you for them to start their journey once again or you are influencing them in terms of their pace of roll. Indeed I have come to realise over time some balls simply get too far out of your reach and are impossible to grab once again unless you get up and fetch it. Equally some roll at such a slow pace you rarely need to rekindle it. There are some that are behind you back, some that you miss that they even rolled away from you in the first place. To me this game and a game it is indeed, is a question of time and influence...that was my analogy anyway, I thought it was a rather apt depiction of friendships, we all play this game and we all have our preferences, techniques and consequences. The balls that say and the balls that go dictate our friendship circles and influence our lives to create a game very different from the one we started....

To me people are not aware of how amazing those around them are or can be. If you experience what its like to lose someone really close to you (and I wish it apon no one) then you know what I mean by appreciating someone more. When someone dies you realise a) who is realy there for you when you need them and depend on and b) whom you really care about and want in your life at times of need. Things get totally realigned. Rather perversely you see the world for how is really should be to you...to everyone. You are care-free about those stupid things in life you get entirely engulfed and consumed in. The pull of life suddenly becomes weightless and you feel, you alive. You are very conscious of the fact you are alive and how much of a privilege that really is. My realisation that I will be leaving to Canada and my life will change is slowly becoming a reality and once again I am starting to appreciate that weightlessness and how much I value and admire those around me. Those friendships I have old or new, I just dont want to change and if they do i hope they can only change for the better because they amaze me and I love them all for their own unique and special contribution. Even the smallest of things, the little facebook comments here, the catch up coffees on a weekly basis, the catch up calls on a yearly basis, the catch-up whatever from 2 years ago! It matters not. Even those who I feel most emotively for, those of whom I have rather (unfortunately for them) subjected them to as much of me as possible, I cannot regard as anything but incredible. The Cp's, Ily's and Dougal's of this world are significant, significant! parts of my life and no matter how hard and how bittersweet it is, I want them in my life and central to it at that. Life is far to short. Cliche, but so SO fucking true. I hate those people who shut people out of their lives (and I have done it and still do and fully accept hypocracy in this), especially when they are close to you. They know you better than anyone else and I know it hurts. It undoubtedly hurts and the emotion and awkwardness can have powerful leverage but the fragility of life and the amazingness to genuinely share it with someone, anyone, to me is second to none. Undoubtedly. Unquestionably.

From this blog I hep you take away three themes ribboned throughout. Firstly the significance and value of those around you, your friends. Next time you are around them or you get a text, get a phone call, consider the fact that they are in your life and how amazing that is and they are. Believe you and me they are!

Secondly for those of whom you have lost contact with. I hope you find somewhere in you to perhaps rekinder something that once was, failing that appreciate what they did for you in your life and how that fact will never change. You may change and circumstance may change, time may go on, but at that time and place they were something to you and they influenced your life at that point in time. For those who unfortunately break up (...and some relationships are simply not meant to be) with people I ask you to consider something which feels counter-defensive and almost counter intuitive- stay friends. Realise through all the bullshit, hurt, anger and frustration that you only feel that way because you have strong feelings for each other and that you were emotnally attached to them. They meant something to you and you only kid yourself if you ingore the fact that they meant something to you. I for one feel strongly that those I have dated have been some of the most profound influences on my life and I am a product of that. I feel stronger and I only have them to thank. These are key tennis balls, ones that have potential to roll away fast, yet I find myself wanting and trying to pull them in the closest.

The third is that I feel that this a game I want to play more. I have found a new fondness for the game of tennis, so to speak. Those of whom I contact, even in its brevity, its because I care and because you are important to me. I know our lives are changing and I for one will be going through a significant change which will affect and involve the game we currently play. But I will do my upmost to play. You mean the world to me and even if you are not in it I will do my best to make your you are...

x9

Valentineophobia & 'Cross-Pathing'

As we stand in the shadow of the impending St Valentines day, I write this blog for the romantics and the singletons out there. The later section is particularly written for those who are single because 'they have not found the right person' and admirably continue to do so...

OK, geeky little research background to valentines day that you might find a little interesting:

Valentines day, typically celebrated on the 14th February every year, around the Roman celebration of Lupercalia. Supposedly Valentines days origins go back to the Roman Empire, often cited around the reign of Claudias II. Claudius postulated that men that were single, were better soldiers if they did not marry, and thus marriage was frowned upon. The emperor found out that Saint Valentine was secretly helping young men and women in getting married, and sentenced Saint Valentine to death (bloody valentine indeed). Whilst in jail he gave his heart to the daughter of jailor and he wrote her a love note and ended it by writing " from your valentine". (not your typical commercialised card you might send today huh? Perhaps your next valentine is in fact writing from a cell)

Rather amusingly from my brief, yet sad, research I came across these gems which you might enjoy; below is a list of so-called phobias that one might experience around the practice of love, and which maybe especially symptomatic around valentines day:

* Ereuthrophobia - Fear of blushing
* Anthrophobia or Anthophobia - Fear of flowers.
* Obligaphobia - Fear of commitment. (genius)
* Zelophobia - Fear of jealousy.
* Philophobia - Fear of falling in love or being in love.
* Gamophobia - Fear of marriage. (anyone else read this as 'gameoverphobia')
* Philemaphobia or Philematophobia - Fear of kissing.
* Erotophobia - Fear of physical love.
* Hedonophobia - Fear of any kind of pleasure or having fun. (from Hedonism)
* Haphephobia - Fear of touching or being touched.
* Gynophobia - Fear of girls.
* Androphobia - Fear of men.

So, why the little history lesson, and why the psycho-analysis Dr Freud? Well, firstly I wanted to open you up to the idea that in fact valentines day not only has a rather grim and bloody (literally) origins (as do a lot of rituals if you think about it), and secondly that particularly if your likely to be alone on valentines day, at least you can laugh at the prospect that someone else, perhaps even in a relationship, might be experiencing a condition of which induces psychological and pathological episodes of fear, panic and unease (amusing thought, no?).

OK, by now I appreciate these sound like the words of a man who is most certainly spending valentines in his larry(or tod if you prefer), which is true. But like everything in life, I feel one should put a positive spin on anything, so... as I mentioned at the start, here is that very positive spin for the singletons. It begins with a quote from a truly remarkable episode I recently watched. It is quite literally a copy and paste from something I heard recently which really touched me in a girlie, lets get the ice cream, chocolate and tissues sort of way. I am a romantic, and the three girls I have dated over the years have all been extraordinary, absolutely extraordinary, even perhaps if I never really said it enough. So here goes:

"Stella then tells Ted how she once talked her way out of a speeding ticket. She was doing 90 on a country road, when a cop pulled her over and said, "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." Stella says she apologized to him. "I'm so sorry, officer -- I got here as fast as I could."

Ted laughs and says, "Really?" No, you doofus, it was joke, but Stella's point remains... Whoever "the one" for Ted is, she's out there, and she's on her way, and she's getting there "as fast as she can".

(How I met your mother series 4 episode 23 (Original Airdate: 11th May 2009))

When I heard this, I felt touched. Truly touched, and it is something that I wanted to share with the world. Hence the blog. Positivism should be shared, and when something or someone feels that something or someone is important or note worthy they should share it with people (nb: a case for every1 to start blogging, and also ironically one for every1 to send the one they like or love a valentine reminder that, that is the case).

I find it beautiful, beautiful imagery that indeed everyone has a person out there for them, and the fact that our lives all work and function independent of each other. I see life like a huge connection of roads all interweaving, interlinking, and crossing. I wrote and wrote about this idea when I was about 16. I called it 'cross-pathing'. I love the idea that we all have our own roads, and it is only a matter of time and circumstance that eventually we will cross-paths with someone.It is then we all make decisions, some huge, some minor, as to the relationship and closeness of those paths. If we choose to be friends, we occasionally cross. If we choose a relationship with another we effectively walk the same paths. If we split, as do our roads. Nice idea, no? Simple.

'As fast as she can', plays nicely into this in that not only is the likelyhood of you as a singleton, or a romantic to find that one person is actually nothing more than an inevitability rather than probability, but also there is this idea that in fact no matter what you do...there will be a time and a place for it. The time for things to go your way, and the time for you to effective walk the same paths will come. You cannot and should not try to hurry it. I think all too often we do that. We stay with people because we want to essentially 'fast-track' something that we should organically let happen. When really we should fall in and out of relationships like we do motorways, or sideroads. I know that one day, I will walk the same road as someone else, and I also know that, that girl of which I do walk hand in hand with, will be a truly remarkable woman. An amazing woman. I would love to follow that up with a common phrase of '...and I cant wait for it', but that is exactly it! You can, and you should. So for those on the highway hand in hand, and those who perhaps feel at times there path is long, lonely and narrow. Just remember that in fact that one person out there, is exactly that. They are out there, and they are coming as fast as they can, and do not threat as they will come...as fast as they should. Until then just enjoy those precious times you do meet amazing, interesting, captivating and life-changing people who change the way you see life in its entirety, yet perhaps currently walk different paths to you. The future is coming as fast as it can, I certainly hope that we cross paths once more.

x9